Overall the sound is much improved over the first version you posted. That said, at over 5.5 minutes the song is way too long - would be a lot better at around 4 minutes.

That intro is absolutely intriguing and arresting, exactly what a good intro should be since songs submitted to record producers, etc. rarely get beyond the first 20 seconds - they just have too many songs on their desk every morning.

At 1min. 50sec., the chorus really needs to 'break out' more from the rest of the song. Having the repeating riff going through the chorus is okay, but could be backed off a bit and have some 'fullness' introduced (backing voices? brass?) - a bigger sound.

The guitar solo, etc. at almost a full minute would work better at half that length and the guitar needs to scream out more. The break you introduce almost at the end of the song where the bass drops out, would be a useful device right before the guitar solo.

Yes, this is very close and I wish you much success in your efforts.

Well done!