I know this may not be the best place for this post but I know this is where all the real pros hang out.

I'm looking for a couple sentences for the back of an advertising trading card that describes what I do. By reading the following sentences you'll get the idea of what I'm trying to say!

I'd love another set of eyes to help me word this better.. There are 4 sentences I've listed but I'm open to change some or all of it if you have a great idea..

Here's what I have:


Mikey sings with his futuristic keyboard every kid's favorite songs adding a modern twist like never before that turns one man into a 16 piece band.

Mikey plays his futuristic keyboard and sings every kid's favorite songs with a modern twist like never heard before that turns one man into a 16 piece band.

Mikey uses his futuristic keyboard to sing every kid's favorite songs with a modern twist like they never heard before.

Mikey puts on a concert with his futuristic keyboard featuring every kid's favorite songs with a modern twist like they have never heard before by turning one man into a 16 piece band.

Either post your idea or modification or email me at djmikey1@aol.com

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God Bless,
Mikey

www.mikeymaestro.com
www.balloonanimal.com
www.1000colorcards.com

Kids, come and hear Mikey play and sing all your favorite songs on his magical keyboard that makes him sound like a real band!

Kids, Mikey's magical keyboard sounds like a real band. Come and hear all your favorite songs!

Mikey dazzles every kid with his magical keyboard that allows him to sound like a real band. Come hear their favorite songs.

Thanks Jim,

I accidentally posted it twice.

That could work. I'm gonna wait on a few more and maybe take a word or 2 from a few posts.

Let's chat again

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God Bless,
Mikey

www.mikeymaestro.com
www.balloonanimal.com
www.1000colorcards.com

I like #2 best

Kids, Mikey's magical keyboard sounds like a real band. Come and hear all your favorite songs like you have never heard before!

Mike, for what it's worth........

"Classic children's songs with a modern sound.
Mikey creates a wonderland of music and entertainment playing all the favourites kids love to listen to and sing-a-long with."

Cheers
Dennis

The problem with Mikey's sentences were that they were too long with too many ideas.

Zuki's #2 is the best. Here I've augmented it:

Kids, Mikey's magical keyboard sounds like a real band. Come and hear all your favorite songs with a dazzling twist!

Beakybird

Great! keep them coming!

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God Bless,
Mikey

www.mikeymaestro.com
www.balloonanimal.com
www.1000colorcards.com

Kids--Join Mikey's Band! Sing your favorite songs with Mikey and his amazing keyboard!

I should probably clarify that these cards are going to parents, camp leaders etc.



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God Bless,
Mikey

www.mikeymaestro.com
www.balloonanimal.com
www.1000colorcards.com

Mikey,

"Mikey plays/sings YOUR kid's favorite songs like they never heard them before, making his keyboard sound like a real 16-piece band!"

- since you are addressing parents I think you should add "your" to make them think you are referring to their special snowflake.
NOTE: If you expect that the leaflets are going to be read by kids, (flashy colours etc) then add the word "kids" to attract them, and possibly make them to press their parents for your leaflet

- NEVER mention the word "organ" or derivatives like "my organ" or "Mikey's organ" either in talking or in print within 1000 words before or after the word "kids". No need to explain why. Sometimes things like that get overlooked...

good luck.
Trident



[This message has been edited by trident (edited 03-05-2008).]