Recently someone posted with the header: �Sad, sadder and saddest.� Here�s my own version of �sad� that I�m still thinking about a week later.

I played most of Thanksgiving day at this one nursing home where I pretty much know most of the residents by now. I was somewhat shocked to see some of the nicest persons sitting there throughout the day with NO visitors, no friends, no relatives.....nada.....coming to visit them or take them out.

It gets worse. The children (I presumed) who DID come to take a parent out or just visit had blank/no expression looks on their faces. I watched one put his father in the car. No compassion for the elderly man showing anywhere. It was just a job he had to do. I watched others. They looked like they really didn�t want to be there but felt there was a possibility they might �burn in Hell� if they didn�t go through the moves and give the appearance they cared. Those who simply visited sat there stone-faced with nothing more than a �good to see you� or a �how are you� and then a �good-bye� communicated between them. No intimacy whatever.

I�ve never seen people as detached and devoid of emotion and completely unaware of priorities as I�ve seen lately. I�ve seen them get more excited at the Black Fridays sales when the stores opened for business. Has it always been like this and I never really noticed?

The AD, who I talk to on a personal level, said it so beautifully. She said to me, one day, that they �go out of their way to make sure that each patient or resident is given personal attention and conversed with regularly throughout the day.� And that this was �the �last stop� for them and anything they could do to make the prelude to the transition to the other side as comfortable as they could is what they will do.� And, as I recall, she said to me something like.....�What do these people have? Only their children, their memories, and the music that us musicians bring into their lives to trigger those memories?

Since that conversation, I've not been the same. I�ve become so much more aware of the importance of music as therapy in the lives of others, particularly that it�s not only soothing to the human psyche but that every song you play will bring back a good memory for someone to relive.

The paycheck has suddenly been relegated to second place!

MARK

Perhaps the family members are afraid they will break down if they relax too much? Not making excuses, just thinking out loud. It's hard to see a person who you love and remember when they were younger be in such a situation. It makes you very sad.
After the first of the year, I plan to do more at the Veteran's home and hospitals. Nursing homes will still have to pay if they want me, because they do have the budget. They just won't use it around here because so many well-meaning people do it for free or for peanuts. I was offered "top dollar" to do one last summer. Top dollar was $30.! This is at a place where the residents pay thousands a month to be there.

+1 and THANKS, Don.

chas

Don.......that was a real good explanation. I never thought about that possibility.

I notice these things because I took care of my mother in the nursing home until she died from her stroke. God, was it hard....every day for three years.

But, on my tombstone, I�d rather have engraved something like �here lies a man who brushed his own feelings aside and cared about others� rather than �here lies a man who DIDN�T give a crap about anybody but himself!�

Mark

I spent every day OF 14 years in nursing homes taking care of both my father and mother-in-law in a succession of nursing homes. He had Alzheimers; she had Parkinsons and age related dementia.

At first, the places were fantastic...a fellow in a tux playing a grand piano at all meals...immaculate surroundings inside and out. Very few visitors for ANY of the residents. I guess families were too busy spending the money they now had access to.

As Ma and Pa got weaker, they were not able to make it to the dining room and were asked to leave. The care got more intense and the places got more depressing. Having money did not matter; it was a question of finding the best place available for patients in their condition. For the last six years they were both alive, they were in different facilities.

One dramatic difference was the number of visitors. Seems like the families with the least assets were the most caring.

Unlike the first places, there were lots of daily visitors...lots of spouses who, for years, faithfully showed up to sit and care for their loved one.

I learned a lot about what being a person of substance is, and it has little to do with your bank account.

Really sad!


Russ


As they became more infirm, they didn't meet

And, for the very reasons you stated above, Russ, is why I try to learn the names of many of the residents at facilities where I perform. What most people don't seem to understand, or maybe comprehend, is that those people really didn't intentionally move there. They just happened to outlive their body parts. Most have done things many people only dream of doing, a significant number of the residents are war heroes, some were very successful business owners and CEOs of major corporations. They all had a life before entering an extended care facility, most had relatively large families, and some were just dumped there when they got sick and could no longer care for themselves.

More than 50 years ago, when I was in Italy, when Italian family members got old and could no longer care for themselves safely, they frequently moved in with younger family members. This tradition eventually migrated across the Atlantic and when I was a youngster, my ailing grandmother moved in with us in our small bungalow. My parents provided her care for the next two years, and she died in our home, surrounded by her family.

Many of the individuals I meet still have families, but they rarely visit. One particular person I saw yesterday, was originally from West Virginia, he had a severe stroke, and his doctors said they didn't think he would survive - that was 5 years ago. He is still paralyzed on his entire left side, and cannot speak. When I told him that I would not be back until next April, tears began running down his eyes. I explained that I was just going on an extended vacation, and he wrote on a scrap of paper "We will really miss you. Be sure to come back as soon as you can. You are part of our family." I thanked him, shook his hand, and pushed my gear out to the van. I found it very difficult to refrain from crying myself.

I could have retired a few years ago, but there is a reason that I continue to perform this rather hectic schedule, 5 to 7 days a week. I'm there to bring a little bit of light into the facilities where these folks now reside. It may not be the best place in the world to live, but for them, it IS where THEY live. And, as I stated earlier, some of the care givers I've come across, at least at the facilities I perform at, should be given medals. Those gals and guys do an incredible job and they really care for those individuals that can no longer care for themselves.

Cheers,

Gary

Gary....that was really very nicely said......something to honestly consider. You and Russ both have a good handle on the situation!

As I look back, when I first started doing nursing homes many years ago, I was flying high and knocking them out as gravy money on top of main gigs. In the door, play the music, receive your check, and out the door without even a whimper of real thought over what I just did. Now that I'm older, I think more about what I'm actually doing when I play, but, to be honest, I never thought about it in the terms you described here.

I'm going to meditate, reflect, and bounce your words around in my head now.

MARK

Parents are looked after by their children in Asian countries. Children often talk about the sacrifices their parents made in order for their kids to have a better life so, once the parents are getting on in years, their children become the caretakers. While there are nursing homes in Asia, their number is quite low. No one sees their aging and ailing parents as a burden. Filial piety is pretty much still the norm in these parts. As for myself -and most Asians-I see nursing homes as a failure of western culture.

I started this OMB thing a few years ago after retiring from teaching school and dropping the band. My wife's godmother was staying at a local care facility and we went there often to visit. One day we were there and I witnessed a guitarist entertaining. I said to myself, ' I can do this with my eyes closed.' And so I started booking NH and assisted living residences. I certainly do not play anywhere near the number of dates most of you play; I only do one or two a week. But, in doing so I have come to appreciate what I do - for them, not the money. I too have gotten to know many of my regular audience. I make sure to play their favorite song, or acknowledge their birthday or anniversary. I now take an extra ten minutes to pack up; why, so that I can talk to those who stick around, who seemed to enjoy the day's performance, who just need someone to say HI.

Guys like Don, Gary, Russ, Bill C. Fran, Tony and Donny are out there everyday, sometimes two and three times. I admire them and all of you for what you all do.

Cass ... the only guys who play gigs as much as Donny and Gary are Donny and Gary ...