PONDERISMS
· * I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
· * Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing
a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
· * The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
· * Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
· * There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
· * Life is sexually transmitted.
· * Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
· * The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
· * Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
· * Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
· * Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
· * Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
· * All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
· * In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
· * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
· * Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
· * Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes outta its butt."
· * Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
· * If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
· * Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
· * Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?
· * If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· * If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
· * Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
· * Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
· * Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
· * Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

..... thanks for starting my day with a laugh ...
t.

"Who was the first person to look at a lobster and say "WOW, that looks yummy" ?
t.

If you spin a Chinese man around in a chair, does he become Dis-Oriented?

Jerry

Does the girl sitting on the judge's lap get an honourable discharge?

...Ever notice that there's a permanent press setting on an iron....??
Or...why do you park on a driveway......
....and drive on a parkway.
When a building burns down...why do we say it was "razed".


...hmmmmmmmm ?

------------------
...shboom



[This message has been edited by shboom (edited 03-09-2006).]

...Some people are like blisters.....
....they show up after the works all done!!



------------------
...shboom

There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UPto the secretary to write UP a report ?


We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UPthe silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, if it were UP to me, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so........... Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P


------------------
...shboom

shboom,

The first thing I do in the morning and the last thing I do at night is the same thing I do when I get UP in the middle of the night.

Tom

"UP"
It's what shboom should be shutting.
(just kiddin bud, very clever piece)