OK, I'll take a go at it...

Bill, it sounds pretty standard, musically - it's basically verse chorus, rinse and repeat, and might could do with a bridge and more of a coda, but honestly, one of the things that doesn't help it is the key you are singing in, particularly as the line always tends to go down at the ends of phrases, often where you are putting the meat of your message. It sounds a bit too low for your voice, or you have to work hard on the enunciation of those tags.

But one of the things that sets the great songwriters apart, especially lyrically, is their ability to find internal rhymes or couplets, little turns of phrase WITHIN the line, not just at the ends. Although it seems like it, songwriting isn't telling a story... it's telling a story as a poem, or a skit, or an epic... Then magically, they find a way to get the music to reflect the rhythms of that poetry, to compliment the internal structure of the words.

Listen to Dylan, listen to Woody, listen to Springsteen. They don't just sing the story. They find a way to make it dance in your brain. Often it involves NOT saying what you mean, just an impression of what you mean. Let the listener make his own story, and it will resonate with him. Tell him YOUR story with no room for his own imagination, and he'll disconnect.

But please don't get me wrong. You asked for criticism, and, well, that's what I do! But I liked the song, the ideas behind it. It's just that it needs a bit of a lift, and it needs a bit of poetry, and I think it needs more than just ABABAB. I think you've got the START of a good song here, but a bit more work could turn it into something great.I DID like the guitar work, too. It works well to have it up that high, to contrast your voice.

I hope you take this all as constructive criticism, it isn't in any way intended to be a downer or slam. And ANY original music here is always good to see (and the no arranger part helps, too - a change is as good as a rest! ), so keep it up