Side men: from the book of Jobbing.
And so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a
search for suitable Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find
none; for in those days there were not many, and those that he
could find were already working. Some worked the Ark with the House
of Noah, and some had the house gig at The Walls of Jericho. And
many played behind the scat-singing team of Shadrach, Meshach
and Abednago.
So Nebulon did return to the Lord and sayeth, "Lord,
there are many musicians, but no Sidemen!", and he rent his
clothing.And the Lord did say, "Schmuck! Have you looked
everywhere? Did you call the Union?"
And Nebulon did say, "Lord, I have looked high and
low, especially low, and only one or two could I find. What shall I
do?"
And the Lord did afflict Nebulon with boils, saying
"Leave me to think on this!" And just to buy some time he did also
visit a plague of locusts on Egypt.
And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent
them forth over the land, commanding them to find him some Sidemen.
And the Angels did go to the four corners of the earth, but the only
unemployed Sideman they could find was one holy man in India who
did play the horn with the slide.So with great fear the Angels did return to the Lordwith the bad news, and filled with wrath he was. "How can this be?
At one time the world did teem with Sidemen, as a dead oxen does
with maggots!" And the Angels did say, "Lord, many left the business, many have become leaders, and no Leader will work for another
Leader."
So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while hethought, and the
answer came to him. He did recall that there was a factory, part of
his Beasts Of The Field, Inc., division, that was in disuse. For it
had been used to create golems, for which there had been no great
demand, and so He had closed down the operation. And He thought, "We
can retool, and start turning out Sidemen."
And so it was done, and the Sidemen started rolling off the assembly
line. But somehow a remnant of the golem program remained, and the
Sidemen did come out acting unpredictably. Some stammered and
stuttered, some talked to themselves under their breath, and some
would not bathe. Some refused to shave their beards or to have their
hair shorn, and some refused to wear the Jobbing Toga. And some wore
the Toga, but left them crumpled in their chariots in between Gigs,
or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons past, with ruffles.
And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land aimlessly
looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of the
hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose. And some
loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of hemp. And
some were created without ears, and some with knuckles where their
eyebrows should be. And some did worship the gods Trane, Jaco,
Mahavishnu and Ornette, and mocked their Leaders. And some did steal
food from the buffet line, yea, even before the Guests had dined.
And some did try to lay with the Chick Singers, and some with the
Guests.
And some did not Read, and some could only Read, and not Blow.
And some had no social skills, and some had no musical skills.
And many of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of the skin, but in
the Outlook on Life. But every once in a while the line did produce a
Perfect Sideman-one who followed orders without question, one who showed up on time, one who wore the Toga, one whose chariot always ran, one who Knew Tunes.
But these Perfect Sidemen were few and far between, and besides
their eyes were glazed, and they were shunned, for they were Boring,
and knew not how to Hang. And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for Gigs, complaining and whining and arguing and
occasionally stabbing each other in the back.
And the Lord looked down upon his work, and said, "It
will do."
And that's why I play an arranger keyboard
Smokey
Previous Topic
Index