This is a song I wrote about a soldier in a war. If any comments, thanks. BUT... please do not comment on the recording... this is just a scratch demo. No matter how many times I seem to tell people that on forums, people say "You need to add bass, bring the guitar up, etc., etc. It's JUST a scratch demo.

I mean, if you have suggestions about HOW to make it shine when a real demo is made, that would be great. Or if you have comments or suggestions about the song lyric, melody, progession, yep.

This ain't no lovey-dovey tune, it's about war. Thanks.

CLONK HERE (on WHAT HAVE WE ALL BECOME):

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/6/billordukethesongwritermusic.htm

Lyric:

“WHAT HAVE WE ALL BECOME”
©2004 All rights reserved

The whole platoon had dug in for the night
A crescent moon does not give off much light
We slept with one eye open till the dawn
So tired but much too scared to risk a yawn
Like gatling guns, the morning filled with lead
It was either shoot like hell or end up dead
We couldn't run
I thought My God, what have we all become

Don't burst, my beating heart, or I will die
I fired and fired and wished that I could fly

Why should a little baby suffer so
I picked her up and held her body close
I cried You rotten bastards, go to hell
Exactly who I meant is hard to tell
The evil men that kept us over there
Or enemy defending their own air
Baby's life was done
I cried My God, what have we all become

Don't burst, my beating heart, or I will die
There's more out there, I wish that I could fly

My buddy held my body in his arms
Before the war our lives had been so charmed
He cried You rotten bastards, go to hell
Exactly who he meant is hard to tell
The evil men that kept us over there
Or enemy defending their own air
My life was done
He cried My God, what have we all become

They'd hit my beating heart and then I died
If only I could take him, I could fly

I could see my buddy staring at his gun
He cried My God, what have we all become

Very good song, very powerful. In a finished version I hear the 'darkness' quality of it emphasised - somewhere along the lines of Garth Brooks' 'The Thunder Rolls' - that kind of a feel. Also, a bridge or interlude of a different chord progression before the last verse would help break it up a bit and in doing so would add extra impact to the last verse.

Thanks for listening. Yeah, I almost always write a bridge but in this case, I hope I really don't need one. It's 4:30 and I have worked like a madman to get it down. With a lot of guitar stuff, it started out at 5:40, got it to 5:00, then 4:40, now 4:30. If I add a bridge...

Here's a thought... before last verse, modulate but modulate DOWN, not up, which is the customary direction. Since in the last verse, it is revealed that the guy is dead... maybe modulating DOWN would be a cool thing. Plus, it would serve purpose of a change without adding any time to the song like a brige would.

Hmmm . . . could just work. If only on the grounds that modulating down is so rarely heard it would stand it out from everything else. I didn't note the length of the song - but it didn't seem to be overly long, anyway. Maybe shorten the picking between verses? Also, in a more finished version, don't forget to 'build' the song to a climax and then maybe return those last two lines back to 'bare bones' - again for emphasis. Hope these are constructive thoughts.

Naw, can't do that, already did it. The guitar work I had in really added some coolness to it, it was some good progressions but that's where I removed the bulk of time to get it down to 4:30.

You don't see modulations DOWN much but I've seen it in country music several times. Conway Twitty's "Lay You Down," I think he mods DOWN toward the end of the song. I think Johnny Cash might do it on "Big River." Well, both up and down.

Really enjoyed your song!

I particularly liked the two bar break before the last line of each verse. Kind of adds suspense to the rhythm (if that makes any sense?)

I don't know much about country music so I can't really comment on the technicalities of that but I did think the words powerful and thought provoking.

If I'm honest then I found a couple of rhymes a little contrived on first read through (...'much too scared to risk a yawn' being the one that jumped out at me). That line really does look as though it is just there to rhyme with the preceding 'dawn'.

To be fair the line sat much better when I heard the song rather than just read it. Please don't take offence at that comment.... I know only too well how easy it is to become attached to your work and then resent someone just tottering up to pick holes. That is not my intention at all.

By comparison (I took the opportunity to listen to your other recordings on your soundclick site) and I REALLY enjoyed 'Is There Any Way of Knowing'. I thought the lyric on this song to be verbose in the best possible sense of the word. Every line flowed seamlessly to the next and left me wanting to hear the next line. Perfect writing.

Very nice work and thanks for posting
Best Wishes
Tony

Tony, you are not the first person to say that about that line. However, I am perplexed about this. It is a perfect rhyme. But on top of that, I just absolutely love the line. I've never in my life heard anyone say that -- too scared to risk a yawn. In songwriting, you are fighting, digging, clawing, scratching trying to write something unique. It's unique.

Now, since you are not the first, it bugs me even more. I could easily write another phrase there but heck, I love the image... you are so afraid of getting killed, you won't even risk a yawn because you'd lose your guard.

Again, perplexed. Problem is, you could be right. I just don't know why. WHAT makes something contrived when it's totally origianal and a PERFECT rhyme. Beats me. I'm not defensive about this, I put it up here so people could comment. I just don't know the answer.

This is the song (IS THERE ANY WAY OF KNOWING) that I tell people is my masterpiece. I have literally spent hundreds and hundreds of hours on it. I have written pages and pages of verses. I don't know how many verses, but dozens. I've spent two years writing that song, struggling... WHAT do I want to say.

EDIT: Political tirade removed. The song says it.

[This message has been edited by SemiLiveMusic (edited 01-05-2005).]