The following is not perse my point of view. I am merely the messenger of the following post. Yet, I find it quite interesting (funny) and maybe so will some of my fellow SZoners. It's a long post so get yourself a huge cup or glass of your favorite beverage. By the way, this thread actually ran for three years! (Taike)
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Hey, I'm feeling silly tonight, so what about a bit of fun about... ourselves.. It's just for fun, so please don't take offense...
Don't you think that in the keyboard community, you find the most diverse species of musician?
Oversemplifying a lot, here are some of the types I've watched over the years:
THE PIANIST - He only plays weighted 88-note boards with *no wheels*. He think that aftertouch is a thing of the 22th century. His drummer taught him to switch presets on his keyboard. Plays with his eyes to the keys, and when he does look up he seems lost. He dresses like a public office employee from 30 years ago. He plays beautifully, but ignores the existence of Dr. John, Leon Russell or even Billy Joel.
THE MULTIKEYBOARDIST - He likes to surround himself with boards, and to make little dances as he plays. He dresses quite a bit hipper than the pianist, and likes to play very fast all the time. Too shy or too poor to imitate the Emerson knives routine, he secretely think to be the best and hippest player in the world, and he wants to show it. He uses aggressive and distorted sounds - usually only one per keyboard.
THE NEW WAVER - Raised on '80s synthpop, this guy really believes that playing alternate octaves with two stiff fingers (one for each hand) is all it takes to be called a keyboard player. He concentrates much more on looking cool than on the actual playing: "You know, nowadays the show is important". Goes to the hairdresser every three days, but he doesn't know who Hanon was.
THE POSER - This guy simply plays the wrong instrument. With long hair and a '**** you' attitude, he really shines when he's playing a strap-on keyboard. He shakes it while doing sexy dances, and trying to sound like a crossing between Jimi Hendrix and Chick Corea. He loves to hit that high note on his knees, at the border of the stage. There's no guitar player in his band - of course.
THE SEQUENCER/MIDI EXPERT. He splits his 76-key board in 76 zones, and uses the keys to trigger samples, sequences and loops. Everything in his rig, including two computers, is connected with everything else. Much in demand in today's pop music, he adopts a pro, matter-of-fact attitude. Rather nerdy-looking, he *never* sweats.
THE COMPOSER - He never plays a part the same way twice. He's very creative, but he doesn't see the difference between noodling and playing a tight show. He stops continuosly in rehearsals to ask to try new solutions. Playing something from beginning to end is for him an exhausting task. He looks like he's just out of bed.
THE MUSIC DIRECTOR - Opposite of previous. This guy wants to arrange, or rearrange, everything himself, then rehearse to death till it's perfect. It's genetically impossible for him to play a part unless he's in control of *all* the other musicians' parts. He gives indications to the others all the time. He never drinks.
THE FUNKSTER - He doesn't know about workstations, MIDI, jazz harmony, Schoemberg, modular synths, Gentle Giant or the Residents. He just plays one board, he would get lost with two. But what he plays is right in the pocket, with few notes, but thinking like a drummer. More power to him. Now, about that fluorescent jacket...
Of course each one of us is several of those at the same time, but as i said, that's just for fun.
Anybody?
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Others responded:
THE HACK: He only plays all the balck keys and tries to apply polyrythms that resolve to Eb or Ab. He claims that he's a "Progressive Jazz" player, but can't play worth a damn in the key of C.
You have left out the organist (hammond of course). Will only play a B3 or C3 with a leslie 122 or 147 (all other combinations are not authentic enough) unless the gig is on the top floor of a 4+ storey building with no lift. Even then they insist on a chop thats only slightly lighter than the original. They may carry around a screwdriver and a torch to change presets, always carry a soldering iron, hammond oil, spare tubes and the more eccentric insist on multiple leslies. They can identify the year of manufacture of a B3 using any one of the 5 senses (mmm 1963 scanning vibrato has a slighty smokey flavour with a hint of aspic). Nobody knows what they wear as they are completely hidden behind the organ. If they absolutely must cover a piano part they MAY place a DX7 on top, but would prefer to engage slow, soft percussion.
THE EDITH BUNKER: Someone that plays at special events only (like Christmas or Parties). Knows two or three songs real well, but stumbles through everything else. Occassionally will attempt to sight read which results in long pauses before playing more complex chord voicings.
THE SAVANT: Never took a lesson, has no theoretical knowledge. Doesn't know an F# from a Bb, but can play anything note for note after hearing it only once.
THE METAL BAND TOKEN KEYBOARDIST: Has a big multi-keyboard rig, but is only allowed to play pads, double the rhythm guitarist (during a solo), and play the big analog subsonic filter sweeping single note to open the show. Of course, if he's also flying background vocal samples, then he is asked to set up way back and to the side (or preferably, behind the amp line), so that the crowd will think
the bass and guitar players are actually singing.
THE TECHNITION - Thinks that using a preset is a sign of weakness. Knows every command in his synths OS and can program the worst machine with eyes closed. The sound is more important than the notes. Willing to hold one note for 16 measures just to let the patch evolve.
THE SUPPRESSED GUITARIST - Has more effects pedals than keyboards. Uses distortion, flange and delay on every solo. Never takes his left hand off of the wheels. Has perfected hammer action trick licks on the keyboard using monophonic patches and low note priority. Cannot play the piano part on a ballad.
THE ZOMBIE - Sits behind a stack of keyboards where it is safe. Wears sunglasses and never moves during a set. Plays wonderfully and can orchestrate several parts but the audience thinks it is all done with sequencers because all they can see is the head and it never moves.
THE DJ-KEY - His demo sounds great, but when he shows up to audition for the band he has 3 beat boxes, a computer, and no keyboard. Can only play songs he has sequenced in advance.
THE TRADITIONALIST - Insist on using only a Hammond B3, Fender Rhodes, MiniMoog and Prophet 5. Wants to hire three rodies to carry his gear. Plays well but cannot hear that only the Hammond is in tune.
THE EFFECTS GURU - Spends more energy turning knobs than playing notes. Uses special effects and filter sweeps in every song. Still thinks that playing Jingle Bells with samples of dogs barking is cool.
THE ROAD WARRIOR-yamaha dx-7II, korg m1, e-mu proteus1, roland u-220, peavey amp (mono), apex stand, duct tape...
knows classic rock pretty much note for note...somehow sounds a lot better than it should...
CLASSICAL LADY-can read and play anything...does not know what DM7 is...
THE AMALGAMUT: Is everything and everyone here at KC and then some! WOOT!
The PSEUDO-ENDORSEE: Plays only one brand of keyboard, though s/he may have two or more in the rig. Is evangelical about the virtues of this brand, and the vices of every other brand, in spite of having no actual endoresements from anybody.
The TORI APPLEBUSH DIVA: Indignant at the sheer number of 30-seat venues that don't have acoustic grand pianos, she keens like a banshee about love lost and societal hypocrisy while playing lots of parallel 4ths and 5ths on her (first-generation) QS8, which she carries in a Volvo 240 wagon. Dream date: the Vampire Lestat, only vegan.
The WHITE BLUESMASTER: Not unlike guitarists in the same vein, this person is the "honky" before the "tonk." Equally at home on piano and B3, he can play blindingly fast blues runs in A, C, or E, but is utterly confounded by jazz, which he found out when clamming terribly when "All Blues" goes to the Eb7. Mad that he can't get the Tori Applebush Diva's phone number... after all, he's in a band!
THE HUMAN SEQUENCER - Once he plays a song to his liking, he never changes anything. Every note and every patch is the same night after night. Once he perfects a solo, every pitch bend and mod wheel movement is locked in. You could unplug his amp so that he cannot hear a note and he will still be able to play every song exactly as he did the night before. "Same as it ever was."
THE HUMMINGBIRD: Flits to and fro on every keyboard in the store playing the same tune, over, and over, and over....
THE TOUCHER: A person whose musical repetoir is made up of "Heart and Soul", "Chop Sticks", rolling their fist on the black keys (don't know what that tune is called). Has to touch all keyboard instruments if they are in proximity.
The INSTANT GRATIFICATION MACHINE - has to have every new keyboard the minute it becomes available. Has owned over three hundred different boards in the past five years; has had every iteration of the Access Virus. Has traded up from the Quadrasynth to the QS6 to the QS8 to the QS7.1 to the QS8.2 (and has also posessed every Nano______ ever made by Alesis). Has already shipped back three defective Hartmann Neurons. Has every softsynth and audio-edit package ever released for both Mac AND PC, and has kept current with every upgrade. Has shelves of sequencers and drum machines....
THE PART-TIME LOVER - Slightly more advanced but related to the aforementioned "Toucher". Plays & sings 'Desperado', 'Lean On Me', various Journey ballads and maybe even 'Imagine'. Only gets behind the keys while drinking at someone else's party. Maintains repetoire for the sole purpose of getting attention from the ladies. Works a straight day job.
THE CHURCH PIANIST - Usually female, bangs the hell out of an out-of-tune off brand upright. Can only play in a familiar style - no counterpoint at all save outlining chords. Plays everything at 80 bpm.
THE HERMIT - largely confined to bedrooms and NEVER comes out at night. Doesn't understand why portable keyboards were made to be portable. "Ensemble" is theory, only.
AIR-VATAR - Really plays air-keyboards. A better wannabe doesn't exist. His battery-operated Yamaha PSR-xxx sure sounds cool through the Pioneer, though. The lighted keys reflect his soul.
THE WIZARD: You've all seen em & can name a few famous names, not picking on just one, there were many. The Wizard was an ancient relic from the 70s. Very long, straight, butt-length hair (usually blonde). Very long, close to floor-lenght cape that sparkles like star dust. Does not wear the pointy, star & moon cap to the gig or bring his magical wand. Surrounded by 15 or so keyboards of every shape and size & he will play every one of them, sometimes all at the same time. The Wizard has a solo somewhere in the middle of the set that lasts about 15 minutes, complete with piano & organ solos, then takes the audience on a magical journey usually climaxing with air-raid sirens, bombs & the sounds of all the keyboards playing at once.
CLASSIC ROCKSTER
Knows every Stones, Doobies, Steppenwolf, etc. classic backwards and forwards. Does it all on one keyboard, with ingenious splits and voicings specific to each song programmed in to get all the tricky horn and string parts just right. Transposes everything into C, however, and if he ever has a problem with his rig ........OMG
THE IMPOSTOR - Found in piano bars and restaurants, he once was a guitarist, a bassist or a lead singer. Today, he earns his supper by playing midi files on some arranger keyboard, and singing while he fakes playing the keys. He can keep smiling and entertaining people even when, in fact, half-asleep. A sad character.
THE ULTRA PRO - Has a ton of synths and computers perfectly organized in flight cases, always ready to go on tour or in the studio. He never shows amazement at the strangest requests by artists and producers, as long as he got payed well. Actually, the smartest among the producers intentionally ask him absurd things, just to see if he's able to raise an eyebrow.
The h7X0r: Will perform at raves, if not too ripped. What hardware he owns is mostly utility-type (MIDI interface, beatbox, Bass Station), and of questionable origin (he got a good deal on it, but doesn't dare try to get warranty support). It's doubtful whether he even plays, but he's got an impressive collection of sequencers and softsynths, thanks to your friendly crackers at Radium.
THE FEMALE SINGER ACCOMPANIST Knows everything about how to make terrible fakebook chords sound like music, is counting off the tempos, is supplying the PA system, is taking care of a well tuned piano, is emotionally supporting the female singer and at the end of the gig she's leaving with the drummer...
POP PIANIST - Has to be goodlooking for the ladies with his gelled spiked hair and his shiny vest and has to have the piano slanted as he hangs one leg out torwards the audience as he plays.
C KEY BOB - No matter what song he plays he always plays it in C because thats the only key he likes playing in
TRANSPOSE BOB (Just as bad as "C key Bob")- Plays a song in the key he knows it in and transposes it (with that fancy keyboard that he really dosen't know how to use) for the singer instead of learning it in the actual key.
LITTLE SUZY - Who always wants to show you the new song that she has learned called "Heart and Soul"
And then she finishes you off to your doom with Marry Had a Little Lamb!
THE FAKE: Hangs out at online Keyboard forums, but ashamedly uses extensive sequencer technique to make up for his lack of actual ability.
THE LICKSTER: Does the opening progression of "Minute by Minute", the solo from "Jump", a few bars of "Fanfare for the Common Man", and the riff from "Abacab" perfectly, but couldn't play through a complete song if you held a gun to his head.
THE ANTI-KEYBOARDIST - A sub-species of THE LICKSTER. This specialized version is usually the guitarist or bass player in the band. Constantly begs to play a few songs on keyboards so he can show off. Can frequently be heard to say "Why do we need a keyboardist? I can play!
THE CULTIST: Bashes every other keyboard player, to their few faithful followers, that excel in every area that they don't.
THE EGOTIST: "I just simply play/play it better than you!"
THE BLAMER: It's the equipment's fault everytime when "they" mess up and hit the wrong chord or note.
THE ORGANIST(B-3): The Leslie is never miked right to their taste, don't want to blend with other musicians, "I can't play anything but a B3!"(We have a C-3: A B-3 with side skirts), you never have the right Leslie switch, don't like keyboard players that well because they have the ability to transpose in tight situations, THE GOOD: they can cover all the bases; THE BAD: they can cover all the bases(what do you mean, "stay in the pocket"?)
THE SEX MACHINE: Always stands at the keyboard. When comping, he's cool, but when soloing he twists his face into a series of hideous grimaces as he works to his climax. He sweats and grunts, punches the keyboard with his fist. Goes into convulsions. Audience is concerned about his health. "Is he OK up there? Should we get him a Pepto-Bismol?"
THE JAZZ CAT: Always uses a weighted 88-keyboard, preferably a Kurzweil. Can play lightning fast bebop lines over any ii-V in any key. Knows all the cool, ambiguous modern voicings. Is better than anybody else in the room. Completely ignores the audience.
THE MAESTRO: Plays a Grand Piano ONLY! Baby grands are for wimps. Can play every scale, arpeggio & Flight Of The Bumblebee at 3 times warp speed. Also, has hands that are quadruple jointed where the arms are 6 inches above the keys, the main part of the hand somehow extends itself down to the keyboard and the fingers become disjointed and play themselves like a ballet troupe. I believe the Maestro ONLY plays classical music.
THE OLD JAZZ GUY: can play any standard in any key; can whip out stories about playing with Bill Evans, Chick Corea, or the giants of jazz, only to lament at how drugs took he or she too soon; only practices on piano, but will gig on the junkyest keyboard; will take ANY gig; can't understand why a 20 minute solo accompanied by loud screams and grunts is innapropriate in a restaurant setting; will follow said solo with a nod and smile in appreciation, regardless if anyone aknowledges the solo.
THE BEGINNING LICKSTER: Plays "Jump", "Fanfare", "Axel F", the bassline of Chameleon, the bassline of "I Wish"
THE COLLEGIATE CLASSICAL PIANIST - practices a minimum of 4 hrs per day. Has to have at least 2 teachers. Only wears a suit or tuxedo, regardless the venue. Can sightread any piece ever written, but will stumble through Autumn Leaves if not written out. Give an interprative dance while playing, thereby showing his or her connection and understanding to the piece. Marvels at electronic keyboards. "Feel? what's that?"
THE MONOPHONY- actually not a keyboardist at all, just wants the neato synth sounds, only plays one note at a time and would be just as happy with a wind controller, theremin controller or some Buchla Battlestar Galactica weirdo controller.
THE ENDORSER-WANNABE - Tapes up the logos on his board so nobody can tell what boards he's playing, not that anybody knows his name, or even cares what boards he is playing. Seems to mutter "I ain't giving anybody any free advertising, but if they want to pay me...".
THE CONSERVATORY GRADUATE - Can't play without sheet music or at least cheat sheets. If the sheets fall to the floor, he just stops.
THE USED-TO-BE-GOOD - At one time this player could flow through classical or jazz pieces. Played 30 pages of music for his/her 12th grade recital. Considered majoring in music but ended up spending 20 years as a pop keyboardist in cover bands. 20 years later this player cannot get through the first page of his/her 12th grade recital piece.
THE-USED-TO-BE-GOOD MARK 2: Shows up at a party as a relative to the host/hostess. Claims to have been playing keys for more than thirty years, gets to sit in with the band, mutters at the provided keyboards and calles them toys, sits down and SUCKS, and gets HUMONGOUS applause! Complains some more about the 'lousy modern toy-synth' keyboards on his way off stage...
THE RUNNER - Plays thrilling runs up and down the keyboard on every song, all the time, 24/7. This guy couldn't play straight chords to save his life. Everything is about him, as he feels he is the main attraction. He always has that, "Look at me everyone, let me show you what I can do" look on his face.
THE CHORD SUBSTITUTE - This guy is ALWAYS changing up chords. Everything he plays is carefully though out. He spends hours and hours changing the 5th to a 6th and then inverting it to get the perfect sound. This guy also thinks that playing a song how it was written is just boring and chooses to focus his attention on how he could have played the song better than you because you are not playing his carefully constructed substitutions. He also does not know what a simple 1,3,5 major chord is.
THE MODULE KING - This guy has one keyboard, usually cheap, and TONS of modules, compressors, and other gadgets stuffed into a rack. There are enough cables coming from the back of his rig to suspend the Golden Gate Bridge. Everything is always messy, because he keeps 3 table top modules on his keyboard, not sturdily secure, and yells when you bump into the keyboard and alomst knock on of the modules to the floor. He has a life-long search to find the perfect sound combined from his numerous modules.
THE SUSTAIN PEDAL SPIRITUALIST: Meditative, reflective, full of brooding moody beauty (3x fast), and almost always pentatonic, the sustain pedal spiritualist is a pedal to the metal kind of guy. Oftentimes not a "real" pianist, but always a sensitive soul. 9x out of 10, the Sustain Pedal Spiritualist has a dulcimer at home.
THE SIMPLY GREAT MUSICIAN - Understands an instrument's personality and spirit, knows how to let the instrument speak for itself. Is connected to the music and doesn't just play the notes. Is not stuck in a "school" or musical tradition. Is comfortable with a variety of styles and gives dignity to even some of the more shallow varieties of music. Has mastered enough classical music to be considered "trained." Is capable of strict, literal recital, but is also an improvisational musician and original composer who is evolving a special musical language. Avoids predictability and stagnancy by including uncanny surprises in the right places....but never merely for the sake of shocking the audience. Does not get sidetracked by the trappings, vanity, or self-indulgence. Knows something about taste and what kind of music offers rewards to the listener as well as the performer. The attitude and insight that pervade his/her interpretations make it a pleasure to see and hear in action. Inspires other musicians to greater heights not only by his/her skill level, but also by a special mixture of natural talent, charisma, humility, and willingness to try new things in order to make music more interesting and enjoyable.
THE FICTIONAL TRADITIONALIST: Shows up at the gig with an Apex stand and a Poly 800 with no amp. Runs direct to the board and cannot hear himself on stage, nor are keys present in the mix. Talks a big game. When approached by another keyboardist, the fictional traditionalist advises that his "car broke down" or that the band is "traveling light" -- otherwise, he would have his "usual rig" -- the chopped B-3, dual Leslie 122s, Hohner D6, mint Fender Rhodes and Memorymoog that are sitting in road cases in the basement.
THE HUMBLE TRADITIONALIST: Actually tours with a rig like the one above, full of absolutely beautiful, rare instruments. Plays well but keeps to himself in a purist fashion. When questioned about his gear ("Dude, is that a Bill Beer chop with two 122RVs?"), he looks confused in a placid way and does not answer the question. In fact, he won't talk shop at all: "I don't remember what the model number is, but all I know is that it helps me connect with the music. It's some kind of Hammond, I think." In reality, the humble traditionalist is a major gear fiend, but his Zen-like image does not allow him to appear as shallow as to be consumed by gear. It's all about the music for him. How dare someone ask about the Mellotron.
THE ONE-SOUND MAVEN: Has owned a Yamaha DX7 and nothing else ever since 1983. Carries it to the gig in an oversized 88-key gig bag. Uses a stool or chair as a stand and runs straight to the board. Only uses the Rhodes sound all night, but plays very well. Does not even know that there are other sounds available and does not really care. Has never even heard of a Triton, Motif, Nord, Virus, etc. and will still be playing the same DX7 Rhodes sound 10 years from now.
ONE-HANDED WONDER (talentata minimus): can
be found in guitar bands, lounge bands, and
is often a singer. Left hand usually devoted to adjusting knobs, swinging microphone
back and forth, and drinking.
THE TRANCE-ARP-ABUSER - A relative of the NEW WAVER, this player knows just enough chords and licks to make the arpeggiator sing madly and badly with one hand while the other is busy tweaking one of a small selection of knobs on their synth, usually filter cutoff, resonance and amp release. Sounds dreadful and busy to most, but delivers mystical transcendence to ecstacy-fueled clubbers with glow-sticks hanging from their nostrils when they feel the notes emnate from the venues PA.
THE PATCHCORD ANORAK - Will play vintage MiniMoogs, Prophets or Obies at a gig, but considers even these a compromise and step down from from the *real* synths at home...a genuine vintage Moog Modular and Buchla Series 200. Can speak at length about the pros and cons of discrete circuits vs. the use of SSM and CEM chips. Has spare patch cords in the glovebox of his Pacer/Gremlin. Considers softsynth recreations of classic analog synths an aberration and near-disgrace.
The TRANCEMASTER: This one has aspirations of being Paul van Dyk, or Ferry Corsten. He consistently trashes American pop music in favour of European 'dance' music. His 'studio' consists of a home made frankenstein's monster of a computer with two synths and a bunch of Roland gear aka "the god boxes". He may or may not be good at programming his synths, but either way cannot play anything outside of 4/4 time. he lives life at 130-140bpm, and is either a massive E junkie, or a massive C junkie (caffiene). This one also has a collection of soft synths, and sequencers that are his only saving grace. Monster builds are what he has for lunch, and searing leads for dinner. Although he is, most likely, semi-nocturnal and never has time for breakfast.
THE HARDWARE SYNTH IS PASSE-IST:
Has no hardware synth or sound module,
Can control all the features of his/her softsynths from a QWERTY keyboard,
Is not at all impressed with that B4 knock-off, the Hammond B3 and Leslie 122,
Adores the action of the oxygen 8 and little Roland PC keyboards,
Appears slow to respond in casual conversation, however, it's just latency.
THE HISTORIAN/THEORIST: Still feels the debate between musique concrete and the Cologne school has not been resolved. Goes into deep angst on alternate days over the question of whether collage/montage sample-based music is sufficiently innovative to be interesting, and then uses that angst to propel himself towards obsessing over serialism, atonality and algorithmic and mathematically-based composition instead. Has two decades of classical training behind him, but has disavowed all that for a practice that involves pure improvisation. Despite that, remains jealous of Keith Jarrett, with all his grunts and groans, even. Feels he's playing hooky when he admits he loves grooveboxes, and justifies spending time with grooveboxes by glorifying them in his mind as culminations of the theories of Paul Schaefer and the school of musique concrete. Records himself from time to time, but only for his own amusement; refuses to play for anyone else. Keeps mining the history of electronic music for further insight and inspiration. Considers his addiction to music a substitute for drugs, a wild sex life, overeating, a successful career, an alternative to anti-depressants and revolutionary social and political practice. Busy fiddling while Rome burns. Nero is his hero.
The RETROPOLITAN: knows the standards and jazz heads from the 30s to the 80s, all the R&B hits, has 2 tuxes, grey and blue suits, his own transpo and reliable, good-sounding equipment - but can't play hard rock, metal ANYTHING, punk, grunge, rap, hip-hop, or for that matter, anything written after 1980. Even with charts...
THE ROSS: Sits, ear to the keyboard a single finger poised to hit the key triggering the sound of seagulls flying overhead. Doesn't care what key he's playing in.
The PERFECTIONIST - He is never happy with his playing, practices five hours a day, turns down jobs because he is never happy with his playing, dies alone ... and is forgotten.
THE ANTI-BASS - the two brained species that can comp/solo with the RH independent of the bass part on the LH. Displays an uncanny ability to lock to a groove/drummer better than most bass players. Fools discriminating bass players in the audience into believing they're hearing a bass guitar but are confused when they don't see one on stage. When a bass player is being auditioned (usually out of jealousy of being bested by a keyboard player), the rest of the band says if you're better than that left hand on our keyboardist, you got the job. Can be frequently heard to remark "Why do we need a bassist? I can play."
LEFT HAND LOUIS: Plays all the left handed bass parts, even though he has a bass player. Worst of all he plays different notes than the bass player so you get that low end muddle. Worst yet, he is better than the bass player. He has spent to much time practicing or playing solo and just doesn't understand the mechanics of a band.
The manic keyboardist Competent and dependable but also forgettable. Usually stays in the background, but once a month will come in on a mental high and blow smoke for the night.
THE TEACHER: Thinks he/she knows everything about theory and will tell everyone what chord, mode and resoultion they are playing or should play. Knows and performs proper technique while ofcourse sitting at the keyboard and if they have to stand the keyboard is tilted upwards to keep "proper technique" in the wrists(see billy idiols keyboardist. Will also know about the proper playing technique of other insterments in the band. Always wears a suit when on a gig, no matter what the band is.
THE STORY TELLER: Knows funny and weird stories about many great muisicians and has drinks with most of them.
THE METAL DUDE - the one who ownes only one board (usually either yamaha PSR or Roland EM series, and always 61 key), plays pads (usually is familiar with 2-5 patches on his board - choir aahs, strings, analog strings, bells, piano). Places the board on a single braced X stand, stands in the back, no one in the audience gives a shit 'bout him. Thinks of himself as of metal god. Often it's a girl. Musical skills are no more than playing 5/3 chords as guitarist told - Am, Em, D,C through the entire piece.
THE EXTENDED METAL DUDE - still ownes only one cheap board (however, not a PSR but something like Korg XD5, Yamaha S-03/CS2x, Roland RS5, some old ensoniq). Plays pads, doubles guitar melodies (in interval of 5th). Is allowed to play solos, solos are quite good. Is familiar well with his board, but uses up to 10 patches (lead, 2-3 pads, bells, DX rhodes, piano, hammond).
Musical skills - plays quite well, is capable of improvising, however, is familiar with limited number of scales - usually Am, Em (common metal scales), Gm, Fm and their harmonic variations.
improvises over pentatonic scale only. Has very limited knowledge of theory.
But, the extended metal guy usually is young and willing to self-educate.
THE SEX MACHINE: Always stands at the keyboard. When comping, he's cool, but when soloing he twists his face into a series of hideous grimaces as he works to his climax. He sweats and grunts, punches the keyboard with his fist. Goes into convulsions. Audience is concerned about his health. "Is he OK up there? Should we get him a Pepto-Bismol?"
THE ULTRAPORTABLE MINIMALIST: He found his way when the Casio VL-Tone first came out, and still refuses to add any other instrument to his gear. The only type of keyboardist who can go to gigs by bus or bike.
THE SUPER OCTOPUS: Was forced by his parents to begin playing on a seven-manual cathedral organ at age 2. Can sight-read a 40-instruments symphony score in tempo and mentally orchestrate it for 2-hands/2-feet organist playing in real time while transposing everything up a semi-tone in order to compensate for the A=415 Hz baroque organ he's playing. When finished, often wonders for a few hours in his mind how he could have better used certain quarter rests in the score to add more stops variations while playing.
THE A.D.D. PATCH SWITCHER - Is a friend of someone in the band you're in and manages convince them to let him sit in. Asks for your best piano or Rhodes patch, which you find and it meets his approval. He then spends the bulk of his time switching through every patch on the keyboard while the band is playing Mustang Sally as he is constantly inundated with 'brilliant' new concepts for parts to play on the tune for each new patch, even though he keeps playing the same incredibly wrong out of pocket part every few bars after trying and failing to play the horn line from Night Train with each patch change. Owns a Yamaha PSR keyboard.
THE METAL DUDE (c'mon, haven't quite nailed me yet): Delusions of grandeur and failure to succeed on guitar have rendered The Metal Dude helpless to control the excess that he spits out in order to get stage attention. Loud screetchy leads and a frantic jumping/headbanging only incite the crowd to edge away even more than usual. His gear and his playstyle are setup for appearance rather than proper sound. Never stands in the back. Ever.
THE ORGANIST:
Subcategory one: Purist Church organist: only plays pipe organs, never shows up for rehearsals with the orchestra, rarely accompanies the choir, despises the contemporary music group and kids choirs. Never listens to the congregation to get the correct tempo. Cannot handle changes in the service on the fly.
Subcategory two: Theatreorganist: it ain't music unless you have a tibia, celeste', xylophone and marimba. Also known as a Trapper and loves to play with toys. There is nothing that gets this person more excited than a good chase scene. Must have a room added onto his house for the pipe organ and 16MM projector. Frequently smells like pizza and beer.
Subcategory three: kewlbarcat: plays an organ not usually advertised in Keyboard magazine that looks like the Enterprise command center. Always has too much reverb effects. Has his complete music collection memorized and in binders on cheat sheets form or loaded onto a MusicPadPro. Has a huge tip jar filled with twentys. Often wears a white tux with a red bow tie.
Subcategory four: MidiConcert organist: prepares his midi organ registrations to show it off to the fullest. Drives resident organists crazy by changing all their presets. Leaves the hosting congregation wondering about posting a job for a new organist.
Subcategory five: pianist substituting for organist: choppy player who often mistakes the crescendo pedal for the swell or choir pedals.
THE CLASSICAL PARANOID FREAK PLAYER: He's dedicated his life in learning Rachmaninoff concertos. He suffers from paranoic delusions, and he evantually quits, retires in a little piano bar, and lives from percentages of a movie based on his life...
DREAM A LITTLE DREAMER: He/She who secretly believes they may one day have a chance of making it big but will never admit to it. Vaguely hints at the dream but when confronted, plays the part up and looks for pity/ego stroking. Will criticize most of today's modern music and make unfavorable comparisons between the todays music and the music of the past.
CHURCH KEYBOARDIST/SINGER #1 - A good singer and performer, with a great ear and sense of rhythm. Can't read his way out of a paper bag, and despite having good keyboard dexterity, never does any improvised solos and has to be educated that the guitarist and sax player would like a few bars now and then to wail!
CHURCH KEYBOARDIST/CHOIR DIRECTOR/SINGER #2 - Great sight reader, fine singer and great with vocal harmonies, great ear - an overall excellent musician. But the same attitude to improvising, although she studied some jazz and probably would have excelled at it!
THE WOULD-HAVE-BEEN-A-JAZZ-PIANIST is seen performing with wedding bands, going through the motions night after night, playing all schmaltzies (I will survive, Hot hot hot etc.) flawlessly, and is much appreciated by the bandleader, who is usually a guitarist-turned-bassplayer-for-economical-reasons.
He is a proficient player, knows his gear well enough to find or program all the sounds and splits his bandleader requests (including all the guitar parts that the bandleader doesn't play anymore, for economical reasons). Takes the job seriously, maintains his gear and cables, dresses appropiately and is always on time.
However, though always an affable and well-mannered guy, he has a slightly detached look, and the careful observer notices an ironic expression on his face during performances.
That's because he's not happy. He wanted to be a jazzvirtuoso.
...and once in a blue moon, he rebels during the last song (usually a fifteen-minute singalong version of "Hot hot hot" or "Copacabana") and starts applying all his knowledge and skills in a solo which baffles the audience and infuriates his bandleader. After being reprimanded, he sticks to the program until the next blue moon.
The MEDIUM -- through astral projection and shakra techniques, communes with the soul of the instrument (usually a big old grand, but sometimes a soulful electronic instrument like a minimoog), starts it humming, and then steps aside to let the true beauty of the instrument shine through.
THE BOOGIE MAN: A real monster, this guy can bang the hell out of the worst sounding, out-of-tune, beat-to-hell bar piano and make music that's so lively you can hardly stay in your seat. Has more than 10 fingers, but they move so fast nobody's ever been able to count them. Gets annoyed whenever the vocalist wants to do Summertime or Ain't No Sunshine.
the AMAZING HOT CHICK who not only plays better than you, but is also carrying the bass part and singing, while controlling the vocal harmonizer with her other foot. Effortlessly, without breaking a sweat. (Yup, she even smells better than you.) The worst part is she's also humble and sweet. Looks real good in those silver lame hot pants too.
THE MULTITASKER, who has modified all his keyboards, cross-wired, hot-wired, and re-wired everything and can even feed the guitarist's signal though his Leslie for "Lucy" and "Marrakesh Express". Plays every kind of synth and dials up fresh minimoog sounds just in time for solos. Perfect timing, supportive rhythm playing, and hot solos. He's also mixing the band from the stage, whilst recording 16 tracks to his laptop computer (which is also being used for softsynths, sound effects, and synchronized backing tracks). He sings and plays wind instruments (occasionally at the same time, somehow). Not to mention that he seconds on acoustic guitar for all those power rock songs with acoustic intros. Oh, yes, he wrote the software running on the computer and designed and built the crossover circuitry for his Leslie. All of which is fine until he starts talking about it.
THE WOULD-BE-MULTITASKER, who tries to do about 1/4 of the above but something somewhere isn't quite working and the whole house of cards comes crumbling down.
[This message has been edited by Taike (edited 03-31-2007).]
[This message has been edited by Taike (edited 03-31-2007).]
i should put a patent on it 
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