1. If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down his amp.

2. # (notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad) is proportional to # (drinks he has consumed).

3. 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + 4.667 + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = 1 chorus trading with the drummer.

4. (2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students, internationally) = Annual income of Jamie Abersold, in dollars.

5. Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) ....

6. 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig.

7. If (# of drinks consumed, per musician) > (# of drinks comped by club), then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) < 1/20 (pay for gig).

8. 1 up tempo tune + 1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights among horn players to solo first).

9. 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x (Percocets) = 1 cleared house, where x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.

10. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle

11. Jam session + eighth -note rest = missed opportunity.

13. {(New + York) squared - (NewNew + YorkYork + YorkNew) + New York + 2 (Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds) = medleyfrom hell.

14. (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (# number of beats per measure) x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats, per chorus.

15. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y volume level of
drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist on break, then (d) (xyz/pay of the gig in dollars) predicts the probability of pianist urinating in the instrument.

16. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians on bandstand, then pay per musician < one individual cover charge.

17. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the instrument.

18. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz
vocalists who sing " Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among tunes most despised by instrumentalists.

19. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.

20. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita + prime rib/limp egg rolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high society gig/Elks club gig.

21. How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive 90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours in advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor & staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for drunk rich people? Would you take it for ½ that much? After you bid on the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student offers to play the same gig for ½ as much. You are 12 times as good as him, but ½ as good -looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you bother practicing?

22. If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 time at mm = 180, and the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8 measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?

23. If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will attractive women notice? Will the drummer?

24. If a successful attorney earns 3x as much as a successful musician, but the musician believes his work is 4x as fulfilling, who actually has larger genetalia?

25. Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer
sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided against the singer or against one another?

26. If (% of Americans who like jazz) = (% of Americans who like chain saw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art form?

Some good stuff in there, Diki, although #26 stings a little. American tastes aren't necessarily good indicators of what's good or bad in our culture. Most Americans (especially males) hate opera, the ballet, gourmet food, and any movie that doesn't involve a car chase, BUT love American Idol, MacDonald's hamburgers, "Achey Breaky Heart", and elected George Bush.

Jazz IS an indigenous art form, one of the few in America, and Americans should be proud of that, but aren't. Probably because of it's roots, it's history and development (so closely tied to the African-American culture) but mostly because of the investment in time and effort to appreciate this beautiful, complex, heritage-rich, product of struggle, diversity, and hope.

Sorry for sounding preachy. Somehow it bothers me when a wonderful gift is so under-appreciated.

Still, some funny stuff in there, Diki. I would expect no less from you .

chas

Some good stuff, Diki...the author, Bill Anschell played and/or recorded with a host of jazz greats including Ron Carter, Lionel Hampton, Benny Golsen and Russell Malone besides being widely known for his work as a writer and producer.

Thanks for sharing.

Ian

Diki, good funny, intellectual stuff (nice catch Ian).

Like Chas, I'm sort of the jazz standard bearer here, but I even understand # 26, in a way, and believe, because of the content of your posts, you're a latent "jazzer" or at least appreciate the form.

I'm a lifelong fan of creative writing, ands this certainly qualifies.

R.

I know and am a big fan of Jamie. He lives in New Albany, Indiana, across the river from Louisville, Ky, about 80 miles away. Met him in 1965 at an outdoor art festival in Louisville.

R.

I received this without the author's name, glad some of you were able to let us know who came up with this funny stuff...

11, 25 and 26 do it for me