Hi SZ Friends. I haven't seen this mathematical information posted on here, so for those of you who like exercising all sides of your craniums.... well, have at it. Here are several important mathematical (musical) theorums, along with a few unsolved challenges....


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Math Formulas for Musicians

1. If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down his amp.

2. # (notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad) is proportional to # (drinks he has consumed).

3. 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + 4.667 + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = 1 chorus trading with the drummer.

4. (2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students, internationally) = Annual income of Jamie Abersold, in dollars.

5. Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) ....

6. 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig.

7. If (# of drinks consumed, per musician) > (# of drinks comped by club), then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) < 1/20 (pay for gig).

8. 1 up tempo tune + 1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights among horn players to solo first).

9. 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x (Percocets) = 1 cleared house, where x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.

10. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle

11. Jam session + eighth -note rest = missed opportunity.

13. {(New + York) squared - (NewNew + YorkYork + YorkNew) + New York + 2 (Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds) = medley from hell.

14. (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (# number of beats per measure) x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats, per chorus.

15. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y volume level of the drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist on his break, then (d)* (xyz/pay of the gig in dollars) predicts the probability of pianist actually making it to the stage to play the instrument.

16. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians on bandstand, then pay per musician < one individual cover charge.

17. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the instrument.

18. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz vocalists who sing " Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among tunes most despised by instrumentalists.

19. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.

20. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita + prime rib/limp egg rolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high society gig/Elks club gig.

21. How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive 90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours in advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor & staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for drunk rich people? Would you take it for ½ that much? After you bid on the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student offers to play the same gig for ½ as much. You are 12 times as good as him, but ½ as good -looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you bother practicing?

22. If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 time at mm = 180, and the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8 measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?

23. If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will attractive women notice? Will the drummer?

24. If a successful attorney earns 3x as much as a successful musician, but the musician believes his work is 4x as fulfilling, who actually has the best looking wife?

25. Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer
sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided against the singer or against one another?

26. If (% of Americans who like jazz) = (% of Americans who like chain saw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art form?

27. Four arranger keyboard players depart in opposite directions to play their gigs. The first one drives the speed limit and is done and headed back within 3 hours. The second, third and fourth players are all speeders, driving, on average, 10 miles over the limit. These three return in 5 hours, 7 hours, and 2 days, respectively. Which one of the four was wearing the chicken hat?
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Randy


[This message has been edited by saxxman (edited 05-06-2008).]

Eddie Shoemaker was wearing the chicken hat.

Tom

It was too large. I sent it back to Donny.
Eddie

Love it!

Chony - thanks and good catch! I made the mod to make it a bit more socially acceptable... Have to agree w/you though it was funniest in the original form.

Randy

Great stuff, Randy. I told Boo I was getting a copy of a Jamie performance on local cable for the local Jazz Arts Foundation. I'll dupe it for you if you'd like. He sounds GREAT. I first met him at an outdoor arts festival in Louisville in 1965.


Russ

Russ - please do - if you don't mind. I'd like to see Jamie's performance and I definitely appreciate the favor. Many of us owe a lot to Jamie. Tell me how we can best get it to me... if it's a big file and you can't upload it, we can work out something.

Email here is saxxman@embarqmail.com.

Thanks again!

Randy

Randy, I'm getting dvd's burned by the station and the Jazz Arts foundation. I'll just send yours UPS, if you'll just email me your address (use the email in my profile).

The only thing I worry about is the "flaky" musicians who run the Jazz Arts Foundation. They have promised a few of us dupes, but, after all, they are "flaky jazz musicians".

Jamie is trim, funny, at the top of his game and still committed to his lifetime goal of jazz education. His company is a sponsor of the series, which also features other local jazz folks.


It will be my honor to provide the copy and shipping when I get it from the Jazz Arts Foundation. There will be 4 1/2 hour productions. The first one is complete and broadcast every Sunday night (on a public access channel). Not sure when taping for the next one will be.

Be well,


Russ

[This message has been edited by captain Russ (edited 05-08-2008).]

Russ - you've got mail! Thanks so much again!

Have a great weekend!

Randy