How to give a pill to a cat.
1.Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree
across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
Wrap it in bacon.


Allan

maybe not old, but ought to be:

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

Paddy and Seamus come out of the bar and stand on the village green looking up at the flagpole. A blonde comes along and says, "What are youse two eejits looking up at the flagpole for?"
Seamus replies, "Oh, we were just wondering how high it is."

So the blonde reaches into her handbag and pulls out a tape measure, unlocks one of the bolts and gently lowers the flagpole to the ground. "Thirty two feet and four inches," she says.

"Jaysus!" says Seamus, "Ask a blonde the height of something and she gives you the friggin' length."

Paddy had just arrived in Sydney and on the way thru customs he remarked to the officer that the airport was nothing like his back in Ireland. Jaysus he said. Your runways are nice and wide but they are not long enouch.
baz