Hypochondriacs make me sick!
Do pocket calculators count pockets?
Autopsy is a dying art!
The meek shall inherit the Earth – if that’s all right with you!
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination!
Legalise telepathy – I knew you were going to say that!
Apathy rules – so what!
Try yoga – it’s made of real milk!
There’s no future in time travel!
Cyclops wore a contact lens!
Was the great escape a cell-out?
Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your kids!
If music be the food of love - I need retuning!
Please make sure your brain is engaged before you put your mouth in gear!
My cat took first prize at the show – he ate the prize canary!
When society turns to graffiti - the writing is on the wall!
If you think life’s a joke - tell me the punch line!
Keep death off the roads - drive on the footpath!
Baby sitar wanted for young Indian musician!
Have you seen the invisible man lately?
Save the trees – eat a beaver!
I used to be apathetic – but now I just don’t care!
Is there any intelligent life on Earth? – Yes, but I’m only here at weekends!
Repeal the law of gravity!
Drink varnish – it gives a lovely finish!
Is the ambidextrous society right or wrong?
Don’t walk on the grass – jump on it!
Tolkien is hobbit-forming!
I’m not perfect but parts of me are perfect!
Carry an umbrella – you know they can’t walk!
Hypochondria is the only disease I don’t have!
Fresh air smells funny!
Be kind to animals – kiss a shark!
Man has his will but woman has her way!
Milk is full of natural goodness – so is manure! (signed Who Flung Dung).
Nostalgia is a thing of the past!
Wonder Woman is a fake (signed the Bionic Man)!
When I saw my optician he made a right spectacle of himself.
Dracula loves in vein!
Eskimos are God’s frozen people!
Is Dogma a puppy mummy?
Smoking is a drag.
Epilepsy is the survival of the fit!
Write to fish – drop them a line!
Tarzan is a swinger!
Are Parisian swimmers insane?
Heroes and small shoes don’t admit defeat!
A La Carte – you can have wots on the cart!
Don’t ride your bikes fast – they are too tired!
Do jelly babies wear gum boots?
What’s the punishment for bigamy? – Two mothers-in-law!
Do not adjust your mind – there is a fault in reality!
Punk’s not dead – it just smells funny!
My psychiatrist told me I was cured of indecision – at least that’s what I thought he said!
I love mankind – it’s the people I can’t stand!
Miss Piggy is a ham!
Give ants a break – walk on one leg!
First there was no way – Zen there was!
Sibling rivalry is for kids!
Save water – dilute it!
Lower the age of adolescence – Now!
Predestination was doomed to failure from the start!
I used to be arrogant – but now I’m perfect!
Cheese grates on me!
And the Angel of the Lord came down and said to the shepherds, “Beat it, this is cattle country” – (Signed, Big Mac).
Exits are on the way out!
Steve is a stupid Mooron – I may be stupid but at least I can spell Moreon!
Where there’s a will there’s a relative!
Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter.
I’m pink, therefore I’m Spam!
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle!
Radioactive cats have 18½ lives!
The upper-crust are just lots of crumbs sticking together!
I used to be undecided but now I’m not so sure!
Death is best – that’s why they leave it till last!
Start an underground movement – bury yourself!
There’s no such thing as a civil engineer!
I’ve lived on vegetables all my life – that’s nothing I’ve lived on Earth!
Is a Kangaroo a woolly jumper?
Prune juice sets you free!
A pen can be driven but a pencil must be lead!
You can’t beat British quality – you can’t find it either!
Pirate Radio rules the waves!
Church fairs are bazaar!
Prevent accidents – start doing things on purpose!
Procrastinate now!
Do dinosaurs pass exams with extinction?
Be a missionary – give cannibals a taste of Christianity!
I hate graffiti – come to think of it, I hate all Italian food!
Cinderella married for money (she really put her foot in it)!
Is guillotine a French shopping centre?
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery!
Take an astronaut out to launch!
Sudden prayers make God jumpy!
Is an aspersion a donkey from Persia?
Free the Indianapolis 500!
No matter how short girls’ skirts get – they’ll always be above two feet!
Our Art teacher was away so often he’s known as the artful dodger!
Isaac Newton was a down-to-earth man!
Poverty means watching the World go buy!
Was Mozart an opera tunist?
Down with gravity!
Wake up to insomnia!
My fracture’s not what it’s cracked up to be!
Become a guillotine and get ahead!
Reincarnation is making a come-back!
If you’re feeling run down take the car’s number!
Moses found in basket – reed all about it!
Why pick on guitars?
Stairs are on the up and up!
Smoking stunts the growth – (Tom Thumb)!
We are the people our parents warned us against!
Every dog has its day – and those with broken tails their weak ends!
Some people are like blisters – they appear when the work is done!
Dr Jekyll is a changed man (you should meet his wife)!
Achilles was a heel!
Don’t complain about the tea – you might be old and weak yourself one day!
A bachelor is an unaltered male!
What’s one of the hardest things to do – milk puddings!
Nuclear food sold here – fission chips!
Amnesia rules….er….um….!
Why do postmen get the sack every day?
Don’t play cards in the jungle – they’re all cheetahs!
Lemmings are on the brink of extinction!
Is fjord a Swedish car?
If you’ve seen one nuclear war you’ve seen them all!
You’re never alone with a schizophrenic!
Save barbers work – get rid of the lunatic fringe!
Get an everyday job – strike!
When I get old will the calves of my legs be cows?
Stamp out philately – now!
Why doesn’t somebody teach humming birds the words?
Murder is a dying profession!
Is clumsiness catching – no, dropping!
Can a match box? – No but a tin can!
Count Dracula drinks bloody marys!
Preserve wildlife – pickle a duck!
Wellington’s wife was an old boot!
You individualists are all the same
Man who paints toilet not necessarily shit-house painter

Allan