Hey gang. My son's a writer, and this year he got a real thrill when he intervied SANTA CLAUS !
Here's his copy, and Merry Christmas !

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An Interview with 'The Man'.

The leaves have changed, there are pumpkins in the trash, and shopping mall electric bills are quickly skyrocketing. There can be only one explanation: That the frigid month of December is creeping ever closer, and yet another holiday season is preparing to kick into high gear. It is in the shadow of these looming winter festivities, that I recently had the once-in-a-lifetime chance to sit down with the big guy himself, Santa Claus, for a little Q&A...

CB: Hello Santa, I want to thank you for taking the time to chat with me, I know you’ve got a busy schedule.

SC: Not a problem Chris. Always happy to help out a fellow Irishman.

CB: I’m sorry… did you just say you were Irish? I thought you were Dutch or German or something like that. No?

SC: Nope, 100% Irish my man.

CB: Really… That’s just amazing. Who knew.

SC: Well, if you think that’s a surprise, you’ll probably find it interesting to know that my name isn’t really Santa Claus. It’s actually Nick O’Brien.

CB: Nick O’Brien?

SC: Yup. Nick O’Brien: chimney sweep extraordinaire! …Well, I was anyway, back before all this Santa business started.

CB: I’m not sure I follow. What “Santa business” are you referring to?

SC: It’s a funny story actually… do you have a few minutes?

CB: Sure Santa, I got time.

SC: Right, so anyway… many, many, many years ago, I was sweeping chimneys for a living, and let me tell you, I was gooood. So good in fact, that I had more business than I could handle.

CB: But wait, I don’t understand how you…

SC: Now, now, I’m just getting to the good part. …I’ll never forget the day it all started. I was rushing around one cold winter afternoon, cleaning chimney after chimney, and I accidentally missed one of the houses on my route. Now, I had a reputation to protect, so I didn’t want the family to find out. I thought about it, and decided to go back to that house in the middle of the night, and clean the chimney while they were all fast asleep.

CB: ...o-Kay…

SC: So I quietly climbed up on the roof, and began lowering myself down the chimney. …And well, that’s when my foolproof plan hit a bit of a snag.

CB: What happened?

SC: Well first off, you have to realize that back then there wasn’t any electricity, and in the colder months people used to hang their laundry by the fire to dry. So there I am, hanging upside down, cleaning this chimney in the middle of the night, when I hear a little voice below me say, “um, hello?”

CB: Oh, man! You were sooo busted!

SC: Totally. Turned out it was a little girl who lived there, and she had gone to the fireplace to see if her stockings were dry yet. Needless to say she didn’t expect to find me there.

CB: I’ll bet. So what happened? Did she scream?

SC: Actually, no… I was able to make a deal with her. A deal that would change my life forever. I told her that if she went back to sleep, and didn’t tell anyone she saw me there in the chimney, she’d find a present in her stocking the next morning. She agreed, I finished up, and before I made my way back to the roof, I placed a candy cane in one of the kid’s socks that was hanging near the fireplace.

CB: Are you telling me that’s how the ‘hanging Christmas stockings by the fireplace’ tradition got started?

SC: Yes… Yes I am. The little girl was so excited when she woke up and found her “present”, that her parents demanded an explanation. After hearing her story about a man in the fireplace, and then seeing the squeaky clean chimney, they put 2 and 2 together and realized what had happened.

CB: Were they mad?

SC: No, no. Quite the opposite actually. They got a good laugh out of it, and as a result, the story quickly spread around the neighborhood. And when other kids began asking why they didn’t get presents, their parents told them it was because they needed to be on their best behavior in order to receive presents. Otherwise, all they would find in their fireplaces would be coal… which of course was there already, because after all, it was a fireplace.

CB: You’re kidding me.

SC: Chris, I wish I was… but before I knew it, parents all over town were using poor Nick O’Brien’s chimney mishap to help discipline their children. It worked so well in fact, that I had mothers coming up to me on the street saying, “Nick, I can’t thank you enough, little Joey has been so good all year long! You’re an absolute saint!” …And after a while, the nickname stuck, and pretty soon I had people calling me 'Saint Nick'.

CB: Do you expect me to believe that Saint Nick is really just a clumsy, workaholic, Irish chimney sweep?

SC: Is that really so hard to believe?

CB: Well frankly, yes it is. What about the rest – the North Pole, the name Santa Claus, the elves, the reindeer?

SC: Ah yes… Santa Claus. Well… after a few years of the 'Saint Nick' treatment, the media coverage just got out of control. I couldn’t go anywhere without being hounded by the press and the paparazzi. It seemed everyone wanted to know about the “man who got a whole town of children to behave”. So, to get away from it all, my wife and I went into the witness protection plan.

CB: WHAT?!!!

SC: It’s true. My wife and I were relocated to Jersey City, NJ and given new identities. After that, I was no longer known as Nick O’Brien. My new name was Stanley Arnold Klaus… or Stan A. Klaus for short. I had a small workshop in the garage, and landed a new job as a carpenter. Eventually though, I found myself squarely in the public eye again.

CB: They found you... in Jersey City, NJ?

SC: Not they… SHE. She found me. A very young, very ambitious reporter named Barbra Walters. She said she was trying to break into the journalism business, heard about my story, and wanted to do a piece about me to help clear things up. So I agreed… but little did I know, that it would only make things worse.

CB: Worse? How?

SC: Well you how she talks with that distinctive little lisp?

CB: Of course, I have the first season off ‘The View’ on DVD. I watch it all the time.

SC: Right, well her lisp was a lot more noticeable back then, and her “unique delivery” garbled some of the facts of the story. For example, it wasn’t long before people were pronouncing my name ‘Santa Claus’ instead of Stan A. Klaus.

CB: Incredible. Just incredible. But what about the elves… and what about the reindeer?

SC: Just getting to that… While Barbara was interviewing me, she overheard Mrs. Klaus shouting to me from the kitchen. You see, we had special ordered some hand carved wooden shelves from Ireland and they had arrived that day in the mail, so when my wife shouted, “Hey, the Irish shelves are here – they’re in your workshop.” Ms. Walters misunderstood…

CB: …and because of all the “sh” sounds running together, Barbara thought she said Irish elves!

SC: Indeed she did. But there’s more… At first I was surprised that the shelves had arrived so soon, because we had been having some really bad weather that week. I shouted back, “Wow. I can’t believe they got here so fast!” to which my wife replied, “It’s not that amazing… they fly in rain, dear.”

CB: …And Barbara thought she said, “flyin’ reindeer”!

SC: Bingo. So needless to say, I was very surprised when her big story reported that Nick O’Brien (aka: Saint Nick) was now going by the name of Santa Claus, and that I had elves in my workshop that arrived via flying reindeer.

CB: That’s amazing - what did you do? The press must have been all over you.

SC: Well before it got too bad, and with a little help from the U.S. government. We changed our address to the North Pole. We didn’t really move there of course. We just made it look like we did… because apparently not even the paparazzi will go all the way up there for a photo op.

CB: So, I take it the press fell for the whole relocation trick?

SC: Yeah, but when they could track me down for awhile, they were pretty bitter about it, and started running all these untrue stories about me.

CB: Like what?

SC: Oh, you know… the whole “Santa’s belly jiggles like a bowl full of jelly”… I mean, c’mon – look at me – I run 4 miles on the treadmill everyday. I’m in the best shape of my life! …and then that whole “I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus” rumor was all over the radio. Sometimes I wonder how much they paid that little girl to say that. It’s all fake. Just a bunch of lies made up by the media to get back at me.

CB: Wait a second. Go back a minute… you said the U.S. government put you in the witness protection program, and then helped you stage a fake relocation to the North Pole? Why would the government do all that for you?

SC: Well, you see… the government saw how well behaved the kids were in my hometown after the whole “St. Nick” fiasco, and they wanted to develop “Project X-MAS” on a larger scale to try to get kids all over the world to behave better. Hence, we now have the holiday season as you and I have come to know it.

CB: Seriously? The U.S. government created Christmas just to get kids to behave? That’s just... shocking.

SC: Well, as shocking as it may be, it’s 100% true. The government even has secret deals brokered with all the major toy retailers. Toys R. Us, Wal-Mart, Target, Best Buy… you name the company, they’re most likely in on the deal. Their end of the bargain is to keep cranking out more and more toys each year, fueling the commercial Christmas rush. In return, the government allows all Christmas toys that are sold to be tax write-offs.

CB: Tax write-offs? But that’d add up to be a fortune!

SC: Well duh… why do you think the national deficit is always so insanely high? It’s not inefficient government spending or ill advised wars that inflate the deficit to massive proportions – it’s the price of all those toys each year.

CB: That’s unbelievable.

SC: Don’t I know it. I’ve been telling people this for years, but nobody ever believes me. They’d rather believe that one night a year, I dress up in my red pajamas, ride around in a magic sleigh pulled by flying reindeer, and distribute toys (made by elves no less) via chimneys. That’s just crazy talk. I mean, that’s the kind of off the wall stuff you see in the tabloids.

CB: Well, Mr. Claus… err, O'Brien... Nick… I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to speak with me. It’s truly been an enlightening experience.

SC: No problem. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting a friend for lunch.

CB: After everything that you’ve been through, you’re able to have friends?

SC: Oh sure, I’m not the only person who’s been through this type of ordeal.

CB: Really?

SC: Oh yeah, my friend Esther Bundy goes through a similar thing every Spring. But that’s another story for another time. I gotta run…

CB: Wait a sec! How do you explain the fact that you’ve lived longer than anyone else in the world? You couldn’t have been around when there was no electricity… Hang on! You ARE Santa Claus!

SC: Well, Chris… looks like that’s all the time I can spare… Merry Christmas!

CB: Hey! Come back here! I forgot to give you my list!

Dave, the story is great, nice talent – Please don’t mind but I was compelled to rewrite the beginning of the story. Ha ha ha ha


An Interview with 'The Man'.

The leaves have changed, there are pumpkins in the trash, and shopping mall electric bills are quickly skyrocketing. There can be only one explanation: That the frigid month of December is creeping ever closer, and yet another holiday season is preparing to kick into high gear. It is in the shadow of these looming winter festivities, that I recently had the once-in-a-lifetime chance to sit down with the big guy himself, Santa Claus, for a little Q&A...

CB: Hello Santa, I want to thank you for taking the time to chat with me, I know you’ve got a busy schedule.

SC: Not a problem Chris. Always happy to help out a fellow Italian.

CB: I’m sorry… did you just say you were I Italian? I thought you were Dutch or German or something like that. No?

SC: Nope, 100% Italian my man.

CB: Really… That’s just amazing. Who knew.

SC: Well, if you think that’s a surprise, you’ll probably find it interesting to know that my name isn’t really Santa Claus. It’s actually Nick Bruzzo.

CB: Nick Bruzzo?

SC: Yup. Nick Bruzzo: chimney sweep extraordinaire! …Well, I was anyway, back before all this Santa business started.

Dave, How old is your son? Please tell him it would be an honor to receive any of his writings. If anything gets published I would certainly buy it.
I read the story this morning at 5 AM. I quickly printed it out for my wife to read, she loved it, her wording was, “This is very clever”, (she’s English) The story will be shared with my friends and family, please thank your son and thank you for sharing.

John C.

PS, The writing ability is in the family isn’t it-----

Yep, that is pretty good, indeed. Bravo!

I'm so glad you liked the story!
I'll post another as soon as I find what hard drive it's stored on.....he started this a few years ago as a Christmas list, and it's now a tradition, of sorts!
Chris will be 30 on December 14th.
My little boy, is all grown up. snifff.....

Stay tuned folks - more to come.

BTW - I read the story to my school kids on he last day before the Thanxgiving break! They loved it too !

Uncle Dave,

My first time at the Bar (Synth that is) and what a wonderful surprise.

Beautiful story. Thanks to you and your son for sharing.

Fran in SC

Dave:

Great story, you must be proud...

(for Chris)
Enjoyed your story very much, stay with it, you got a great talent, even if you were raised by Dave aka (abril pool)

Pose

hee hee......

. that's GREAT ...
t.

Wow. That's some real talent. If there is any justice in the world, that will get widely published. A real fun read.

Beakybird