I thought I'd better "strike first", because you may not necessarily believe everything the "Philly Flash" tells you.

Friday morning was stressful. I REALLY wanted to unload this old dog of a piano, but figured I could pull it off with a guy crazy enough to drive over 20 hours and more than 1200 miles in two days. I found me a "fish"!

Scrambled around talking to the electric and gas company getting heat and power back on the barn and shack (had to make the right impression, you know). Then, put $2.00 of gas in my old farm truck and headed to "Country Cookin", a local restaurant, where I conned "Bubba" the piano player into letting me sit behind the piano, pretending to play, when Dave arrived. I'll have to wash dishes a couple of nights next week, to cover the meal of fried green tomatoes, pinto beans and cornbread, country ham and other "fixins".

The "target" arrived about 6:30 and "chowed down" while I "picked and grinned" for a while (still "pick" ok...just don't "grin" as much as I used to.

We left about 8:00 to "check out the goods" in the barn. Had to do some fast talkin'. The parts were mostly all there. Found three of the four speakers, and the holes in two of them can be fixed with duct tape. And, he really doesn't need them black keys, anyway.

To take his mind off his concerns, I gave Dave a look at the world's finest collection of antique washboards, spoons and gut buckets. With a careful eye on the gas guage, we headed to the "shack out back" for some "shut-eye."

Woke up at daybreak to the melodious sounds of my pet rooster,checked out the ole "fishin hole" out back and headed back down to the barn to load up the goods.

As soon as the "heavy liftin" started, I disappeared outside to "borrow" some gas from a certain Windstar sitting next to the hog pen.

To distract my "fish", I actually talked him into believing that a couple of dried out old horse turds were legitimate souvineers of "Kaintuck" (I guesa it's true...there's one born every minute).

About 1:00, the Windstar headed down the road. I guess Dave didn't notice the gas needle on empty...hope he made it to the nearest gas station.

Hey Dave...Big Lots has AAA Batteries on sale...4 for $1.00, so not having a jack for a power supply should be no problem. And, you really don't need a line out. Just mike it. The plastic parts can be glued back together with super glue. What more could you want?
(Of course, there is the little matter of the horse turd smell...).

Hey, Dave, want to buy a good ole farm truck? Comes with about 1/2 a tank of "Yankee" gas!

"Redneck" Russ

(Please don't believe ANYTHING the "Philly Flach" has to say about the trip. It CAN'T BE that bad)!

(BURP...SCRATCH...FART...ETC).

Hey Zoners ... Shhhhh... I have news about my trip, but I don't want Captain Russ to hear!
(He's old and hard of hearin', so if I talk fast - he'll never catch on )

I'm so sorry, but I can't stop grinnin' - I raked this old geezer into thinking I wanted that "old relic" for nostalgic reasons. Poor old country bumpkin - he doesn't realize that here in the "Big City", there are studio cats willing to pay BIG bucks for authentic Rhodes pianos. Why, just last year I sold 2 beat up stage pianos to Sigma Sound and made out like a bandit! The one I conned out of the Kenturkey farmer boy is MUCH cleaner and should bring a pretty penny. (I even let him load me up with a pile of horse turds, just to distract him long enough to email pictures of his "secret stash" to all my eBay friends.)

Seriously though, this trip was amazing! Poor Russ is so hard up, that he sings at the end of the buffett line in this Asian/American grease pit while the locals all hover around trying to get him to play something they recognize! ( Hey genius - try a Jimmy Buffett tune once in a while ! )
They called this place a "buffet", but the size of the plates made it impossible to eat your fill, because you had to run back to the buffet line so often, you'd lose weight in the process ! You could NEVER get full !

Let me tell you about his world. For starters, his poor kid’s got a car that doesn’t even have windshield wipers or a gas gauge. Talk about reddnex ! He even took out the airbags in his truck to make room for some “hot shot” speakers that some city-slicker sold him !
His wife won’t lift a finger around the house. His puppy ( 111 lbs ! ) thinks she’s a lap dog. The neighbors sit around his fish tank with poles and bait. It’s a zoo !

And try to find a decent cup of coffee in Kenturkey ! Took forever to find a Starbucks, and when they found out I was from Philadelphia, they took out the recipe book and brewed a fresh pot just for me. I could have driven to Argentina and got served faster !(Guess, they had to be sure it was the right recipe! )
hmmm, coffee + water = ....

We had lunch in a huge country club that Russ USED to work at, but there are stories about some “friends” coming in and taking his gear out while he wasn’t there.
SOME friends, huh? This place is owned by the University of Kentucky, and apparently, enrollment is down, so they can’t even pay to fix up the busted up old pipe organ in the lobby. It just sits there collecting dust. Then there’s the “sacred” burial ground of Man-O-War! Imagine, a monument to a dead race horse! Then again, since horses “fuel” the economy in those parts … I guess it makes sense. Horse sense, I mean.
I nick-named all the horses I saw “Elmer”, after the glue … just for laughs.

So, I’m home now, with my new goldmine, and I’m accepting offers on this vintage, pristine musical masterpiece !
( Any serious offers over $5000 will be entertained )
Keep in mind, for the right deal – I’ll drive anywhere. Even to horse country !

Shhhhhhh – I think I hear Russ signing on. QUICK – change the subject!

So, how ‘bout that terrific bowl game win for UK, huh ? Those Nashville nut heads never knew what hit ‘em ! Oh yeah, and that Saddam guy is dead too. That was the tiny headline in the newspaper the day of the UK win. Football pictures splashed all over the front page, and a teeny little blurb about a hanging, somewhere. Sheeesh.

Happy 2007!

NOW DAVID....!

I give up...YOU WIN!

Redneck Russ

P.S. You might want to check that ratty old van out for additional bullet holes!

"Eagle Eye" Lay-groundhog "shootin" champ

Hee Hee....... Yankee inginuity !