Retirement Day 1:
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on
this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once
again." No
doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in
the near future. Here goes.

On my first day of retirement, I bought something at the Police
Supply Shop that tickled my fancy.(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is
easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for my wife. The occasion is my retirement and
I was looking for a little something extra for my lovely bride.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun
with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product,
it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these
things in action, then you're truly missing out -- way too cool! I've
seen several demonstrations for cops, but I found this handheld one
for civilians.

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so
disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model
would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do
love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. I did it.

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee... I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have
yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, her cat looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat)
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the cat for a
fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
kitty after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?
Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of
shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said
that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of
bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no
friggin' way!"

Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What
happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those
of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad
(sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always
twenty-twenty.
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
it seemed so right at the time.
Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and HOLY ****! DAaaaaMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner then body slammed me on the carpet
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position. The cat was standing over me making sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., give or take an ounce or
two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I
think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

They're round. Miss 'em...! sure would like to get'em back.

I wonder what retirement day two will bring?

Jeeeeezzzz!! I'm 2,000 miles away and I gotta tell ya, I felt that sucker!

I dunno - boys and their toys . . .

Can't say I'd buy one of those for my wife, she might be tempted to use it on me.

[This message has been edited by renig (edited 11-22-2005).]

Tony, tell me you didn't really do that!
DonM

I love it:

Do it again for 2 sec. and report.....he he

No Don....I still have my Testi-Jewels...I
hope you guys get a visual with the story...
I'm looking for day 2...Pose, any ideas??
TR

Tony ... after that I wouldn't even want to THINK about day 2 ...
t.



[This message has been edited by tony mads usa (edited 11-23-2005).]

Man, that could have been me.....

That was hysterical, my wife and I have never laughed and cried as much in one go!

Tell me it wasn't so, it was just a story, right?????????????? A very well written story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That setup sounds very, very familiar. I'm sure I've seen that in a sitcom but I just can't recall which one offhand ....

Tony:

maybe a more scientific test for day two.

how about holding the cat and see if blue flame will arc from you to the cat. he he

Reminds me of a 4th grade joke from years past.

Two farm boys experimenting with the family cat, wanted to see the effects of turpintine applied to the south end of a cat. They didn't have any turps so decided to use some gas syphoned from the tractor. They applied a generous amount to the cat, who instantly took off running at 60 MPH and started circleing the barn, about 4 1/2 laps the cat just fell over, 1st boy asked is he dead...No he just ran outta gas...Pose