A SENIOR MOMENT - I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS...........

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed
between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has
been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by
the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive
at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to
an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of
his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me
to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my
computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later
date
to the Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE
MAKE YOU PROUD!!?)