For those who are from Baltimore, still live there, have traveled there,
and/or plan to travel through there in the future...
BALTIMORE ROAD RULES
First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Bawl-mer, or
Ball-da-more, depending on whether you live North or South of Route 40.
Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a
new one. If you live near Howard County and your map is one day old, it is
already obsolete.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Baltimore has its own
version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore. We all
drive like that.
All directions start with "The Beltway"... which has no beginning and no
end.
The morning rush hour is from 5 a.m. to 11 a.m. The evening rush hour is
from 1 p.m. to 7 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out
and possibly shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line at a light, count to five
when the light turns green before moving ahead to avoid crashing with all five
of the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. (However, if you don't
go as soon as it turns green, you will get the horn.)
Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
Interesting that it's called "an Interstate," but runs only from the Beltway
to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under reconstruction
ever since. (Does Former Governor Glendening have any relatives who build
highways?)
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in
GLIMBURNIE!" (Glen Burnie)
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory
defect.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
All old ladies with blue hair in Buicks have the right of way. Period. And
the same goes for all old men wearing hats!!!
All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections (8th
Avenue and Dorsey Road is a good example).
If asking directions in Ellicott City or Columbia, you must know how to
speak at least a dozen languages, none of which remotely resemble English. If you stop
to ask directions in Brooklyn ... well, don't.
A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours,
although the tunnel does have, on occasion, more than one lane open, but never
on holiday weekends.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is
considered downright sissified. The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.
If you drive to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the "Ravens Lot."
Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7,500 for damages, towing fees, parking
tickets, etc.
If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during
Preakness, run over him. It's probably not his yard, anyway.
WELCOME TO BAWLMER, HON
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Travlin' Easy
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