36 RULES FOR BANDS

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.

2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him.

3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.

4. No one cares who you've opened for.

5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".

6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.

7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.

8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political
lyrics?")

9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.

10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.

11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3- record deal".

12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.

13. Never name a song after your band.

14. Never name your band after a song.

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.

16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.

17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band" "open mike", etc.

18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.

19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.

20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.

21. No one cares that you have a web site.

22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.

23. Don't hire a publicist.

24. Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn't mean you're on tour.

25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.

26. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?

27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought
up. That's what girlfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.

29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.

30. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?

31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.

32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.

33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.

34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.

35. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".

36. Three things that are never coming back: a)gongs,

b) headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.


JOKES

Everyone should play the same piece.

Stop at every repeat sign and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat or not. The audience will love it.

If you play a wrong note give a nasty look to one of your partners.

Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up to the others.

Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.

Take your time turning pages.

The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice-versa).

If everyone gets lost except you follow those who get lost.

Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent.

Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score.

If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed up. Everything will work itself out in the end.

If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should tune up."

Happy are those who have not perfect pitch for the kingdom of music is theirs.

If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be interested.

A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original.

When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left.

A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note.

A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.

ROFLMAO...

Hey, I USED to play in that band and it was only about 60 years ago
Bebop